We were friends at overnight camp when I was 12, back when you had a big head and no womanly parts to speak of. I happened to randomly run into you ten years later, and you had turned out so hot I would, to quote a friend, "eat your shit." I nervously asked you out on a date and you said yes. We went out to an expensive club, you spent all my money on $15 vodka redbulls, flirted with several douche bags in Ed Hardy T-shirts, and ended up drunk and shirtless outside the bar at 12:30 an hour and a half after we got there. I ushered you into a cab and by the time we got to your place you had sobered up and invited me in. An impromptu bang session occurred during which you passed out. I woke up the next morning covered in a puddle of your cold, sticky pee. You woke up 10 minutes later, made yourself a bowl of cereal, and pretended like nothing happened. Did you think I wouldn't notice? I guess I should be thankful you didn't take a dump on me. Thanks but no thanks.-Submitted by LLCoolJay.
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